Cancer Schmancer…

You won't keep me down
Breast Cancer Ribbon


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I woke up feeling a bit better.  Knowing that I had a full day to get use to this ‘cancer’ diagnosis and nothing really planned to do other than get my nails done.  I woke up at 6am, really tired, but not able to fall back to sleep because I wanted to write things down.  I worried about work.  Am I able to take time off?  Can I afford to take off the time I need to get the help I need?  I called human resources and the woman I talked to assured me that someone would call me back on Monday and gave me a sheet to give my doctor to fill out.  I looked at it but I don’t think that he can answer it fully yet because there is so much that is unknown.   I hate this.  I want the answers right away but have to wait and do all these tests.


freak out and break stuffSometimes I feel like I’m going to break.  I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. Hopefully I’ll just wake up from this terrible dream and everything will go back to the way it was before.  Pre cancer.  No such luck.  I know that I can always call my friend M and my sister L to talk to when I feel like this.  I’ve called them so much these past few days, laughing and crying (so much crying!) and they have always been my boulders.  I can’t imagine women going through this without support.  I have more than enough and I take comfort in this.  I guess I’m lucky after all!


The fertility clinic called me first thing to book an appointment.  I’m not sure if I actually have to pay for this consultant appointment but I’m sure it’s worth it.  I hope they don’t ask me too many questions because I’m not sure if I can answer anything as I’m still in the dark about what will truly happen.  I feel happy that I’m not dying but still overwhelmed and bewildered that I truly have cancer.  I am SO worried that this will take away my fertility.  I want to have children more than anything and can’t imagine that this small little lump can take it away from me. I want to be healed, cancer free but I want to keep my eggs.  I imagine little armies fighting in my breast, red coats for the cancer and white for the good cells.  I imagine the Lumpectomy being the allies but taking out everyone, with a nuclear bomb type thing.  This whole thing is happening in my boob.  G  says it’s much slower so maybe it’s happening in freeze time, or slow motion either way I hate war.


While I was at Wal-Mart, shopping for sports bras, the Ottawa Heart Institute called.  I’m not sure she knew my situation but I booked an appointed 2 hours after the fertility appointment.  I had to make a decision that was best for my health.  She told me Dr. L was pushing to get the results as soon as possible.  It was either that or wait to July, which would be impossible.  They need to know my heart is strong and healthy enough for Chemo.  I worried about the heart scan.  Am I going to have to run? I’ve always thought that I had a good heart but going in for tests makes me anxious and questions if everything will be all right.  I have so many what ifs.  What if the test results come back negative?  What will happen?  I’m so nervous and my heart is beating so much and fast, it actually hurts cause I’m so stressed, so what if the results are flawed.  Do they take that into affect?


I went out for dinner with friends.  When I got there I researched the MUGA scan because I was unsure if I can drink before this test.  Funny, I texted a friend that I was getting this scan done and it auto corrected to Muga Scam.  She wondered what the hell I was getting done.  I read that it will be an image or video of my heart (instead of an intense physical exercise regime) I always picture House episodes before each test and I’m happy that this is not the one with the person running on the treadmill.  It also said that I would need an IV again with a radioactive tracer.  I’m thinking that my veins will light up if I’m under black light.  I will glow through my clothes and you will just see my teeth and my blood flow.  Creepy.


radioactive tracer


One Response to “Centering”

  1. cardaddy says:

    I really like what you’re providing here. Keep posting that way. Take care!

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