Cancer Schmancer…

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On death and dying…

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I’ve never really thought that much about death and dying before cancer.  When I did think of it, it would make me sad and I would move on with my thoughts.  I think I was too afraid to really think about it, to make my mind go that way.  I’m lucky I suppose, I only know about a handful of people that have died, and although their deaths made me upset, they never really made me think.

Now it seems it is always on my mind.  I worry about it, and then I worry about thinking of it like that somehow me thinking of it will bring it closer.  It’s messed up.  I had my first mammogram post Chemo last Friday and was so scared.  I couldn’t sleep for weeks and had days that I just couldn’t stop crying.  G didn’t know what to do.  Eventually he just let me be, and that is what I needed.  I needed a day of release.  It was therapeutic.

I wonder if other people think about death, or if they are like me before cancer and don’t think about it too deeply.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  I spend too much of my days in a daze, I guess waiting for the next part of my life to come.  I know I must concentrate on the present more, live in the present. But, really  I just want to be done treatment.   I’m sick of being so tired.  I’m sick of being afraid.  I’m tired of being sick.

I’ve never been a negative person, but lately I’ve been struggling to remain positive.  It seems that my treatment is never ending, the daily pills, the every 3 week infusions…  Just when I begin to feel better, the Herceptin makes me sick again.  My friends are having babies, and I really am SO happy for them.  I just want to move forward too.  I wish I could be pregnant with them.  I wish I didn’t have to wait.  I wish I never had cancer.  I know I must make the best of things, and be thankful for what I do have.  I have great friends, a loving family and an amazing fiance.  Also I should have little time to be depressed when I have a wedding to plan.  I must think good thoughts, change my mood and realize that this soon shall pass.  Only time…

One Response to “On death and dying…”

  1. Sandra Spicer says:

    Please be patient with yourself Mary, you’ve gone through and continue to go through so much. And it’s true, you must be sick and tired of being sick and tired.

    Do you need some strawberries dipped in chocolate? I understand they’re EXTREMELY therapeutic!!

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