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My ‘what if’ curse

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I keep having ‘what if’ moments.  What if the Chemo doesn’t work?  What if I hadn’t found the cancer?  What if the cancer comes back?  What if I can’t have children?  What if, what if, what if…  I think I’m driving G mad.  I can’t stop thinking this though, and I’m sure everybody has many ‘what ifs’ in their life.  I like to plan and find solutions in my head for all of my what ifs.  I guess it helps brings the control somewhat back but I know I can really drive myself (and others) crazy with this.  I know that I can’t change anything, and I know I am doing my best and have done just about everything so that these ‘what ifs’ never happen but I still get scared and nervous.

I guess it just makes me appreciate the present.  I want to do stuff now.  Man, I wish I could go on vacation.  I want to go zip lining, I went before and it was a great time.  I want to go snorkeling again.  I will.  I might go zip lining next week.  Anybody want to come?  I’ve had a wonderful past; I’ve met and been with the greatest people.  I don’t have any regrets, isn’t that the most amazing thing to say?  Everything that has happened to me, the people that were once in my life were all there for a reason, and I have made some fabulous memories.  I want people to think back of times they laughed like crazy, and when they cried, and remember whom they were with and what they were feeling.  Isn’t it great to reminisce?  Doesn’t it feel good to know that you have lived?  Things can get tough, but no one can take away those good feelings, those memories, and well…. that living.  You make your present and YOU can alter your future.  YOU are in charge of your memories.  Isn’t that amazing to realize?   I understand now that I have the power to change how my day is.  Some days I just wake up and say, “this is a great day” and I do everything to make it be positive.  Most of the time it’s not hard, it’s actually quite easy and I find that it usually gets better and better.  When I’m happy, my day is happy and the people around are happy.  I love that I have the power to shape my day.  Now I’m working on having amazing memories to empower my future!

12 Responses to “My ‘what if’ curse”

  1. Sandra Spicer says:

    What if you are an incredible inspiration to us?
    What if you show us all great courage?
    What if you look beautiful with no hair?
    What if you give us hope and smiles?
    What if nearly total strangers are moved to stalk you with cards?
    What if you showcase your wonderful talent for writing in a blog?
    What if you make us all stop and think a little more…and live a lot more?

    Ah, too late. You’ve already done all these things.

  2. Natalie says:

    I love you. You’re inspiring on many levels…your positive attitude, your strength, your gratitude. I’m thankful to be a part of your healing and to have you in my life after 20 years.

  3. Kanta Connie B. says:

    You are an amazing and wonderful young woman, Mary. I have seen this in you since you were a baby. I wish we had had the opportunity to know each other better in the last 14 years since Mom died.But I see that you have matured spiritually a great deal and this makes me so happy for you and for the world at large with whom your life and others’ lives intersect.
    If you were not somewhat scared you’d be brain dead. It is a very scary disease. I have a strong feeling that you will overcome this.I think it was caught early enough that you will be one of the many who do get cured. I know a great many women who have gone through this, and caught early, they are all doing well.
    Life throws us many curved balls and we often find ourselves scared. Right now I’m scared because my beloved Trevor, my cat-child for the last almost 10 years has hyperthyroidism and today he isn’t as well as he has been. I may have to take him to his Vet and this scares me,- what they might find. I may be losing him.I love him like a child.
    But no matter what life throws us, we find we always can and do cope.Last year when I had my heart attack I didn’t know if all my many projects and joys would be curtailed; I didn’t know if I would be able to continue to play music and compose.As it turned out, I was not able to play my Horn for about three months and so lost my upper register,which I am trying hard still to recover.But I knew that whatever came up, I would deal with it. You too go into your life’s challenges with a positive attitude and this makes a huge difference.It turned out-so far- that I am composing deeper and more meaningful music. I try to live always in the NOW MOMENT and this makes each day far easier. I think you do this too.
    Because of severe asthma I am not able to play my Horn nearly as well which saddens both me and my dear friend Brian who is a professional Hornist,-he’s Principal Horn in two Orchestras and both my mentor and a close friend. He was sort of grooming me to become Second Horn. I will never achieve this because of my breathing.But I love playing, and having achieved what I have at my age, gives me great joy. So I have to settle for being second rate.But at age, almost 75, that I can play this notoriously hardest instrument of the Orchestra is, as Brian says, Huge! We adjust to what life throws us and make peace with not being perfect in every way. Even with this, life is pretty darned wonderful.
    I really believe that you will get through this to continue to inspire people in many ways. You have too much to give for it to be shut off.
    Know that I continue to hold you in the Light and see you whole and healthy.This is the way to help “heal” people.
    Love,Connie,( better known as “Kanta”, my Yogic name.)

    • BlondGirl says:

      Thank you! I too wish we could talk and see each other more! I really hope that Trevor is better, my cats are like my babies so I know how you feel.

      I’m sure you play the horn beautifully, it is great to have something that you truly love to do!

  4. Lesley guigue says:

    Mary, your blog is inspriational and I always look forward to the updates! Thanks for sharing….

    • BlondGirl says:

      Lesley! I miss our pool and lunch dates! Thank you so much for reading my blog and commenting. It helps so much to know that I have so much support!!

  5. Sarah Dost Muhammad says:

    Hey Mary,
    Once again you’ve written an entry that is so poignant and moving. We bring energy into our own lives and the lives of people around us through our intention, which is truly a decision that we make on a daily basis. Thank you for sharing ur wisdom and experiences through this blog. It is the simplest truths of life that are the most significant. I’m sending lots of good wishes and positive energy your way. Love u so much!
    Take care Mary!

  6. Lise Garneau says:

    Hey Mary, I’m on the train between Québec and Montreal and then Ottawa. As always your words are so amazing and make all of us realize how important it is to appreciate the present and look at each day in a positive way. We forget too quickly the little things in life that bring a smile and make us feel good. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and anxious to see you in a little bit.

  7. Stacie says:

    Thanks for reminding me about the power of a positive attitude.

  8. Stacie says:

    And oops, I forgot to mention, I love reading your blog-thank you for sharing.

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